I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
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I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Okay
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’