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Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
🌱🌱🌱
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes