I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest