Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
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Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.