It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
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Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room