a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff