onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Lunatics are gonna loon.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
what’s the point then??
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.