Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
*offers Batman cough drops*
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
This made me chuckle.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.