Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
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*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Do one person every day that scares you.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored