Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
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Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Free him
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day