I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
$4 #usedbooks
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news