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Had a spot of bother earlier.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
motivation
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad