9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]