My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
SF is the wild wild west man
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
respect