Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.