Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*