Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I’m good, thanks.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”