Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…