Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.