constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight