A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words