Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
You Might Also Like
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Raisins are grape jerky.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.