My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
love it when they get my name right
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull