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COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Breaking news:
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.