Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Who did it better?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.