u spoke cat all this time??????
You Might Also Like
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex