I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.