I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
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Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.