me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
drew a comic about my origin story