I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers