Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”