“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.