me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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The best plant holders?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?