Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
That 👊
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.