Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.