omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
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My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did