Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
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Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter