Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
No, YOUR illiterate.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…