What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
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“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
#parenting
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.