CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended