You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
jesus, what did this guy do
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.