Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
me hitting on a model
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
If only.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
peep davidson
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.