[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”