A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I鈥檓 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I鈥檓 saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Kevin Hart 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that鈥檚 less awkward..
me: if I鈥檓 guilty of anything it鈥檚 caring too much…
judge: no it鈥檚 armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is