My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
synchronized noseblowing
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
spot the difference
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.