Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it