*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
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[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.