A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
You got this…