Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I have never related to anyone more.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know