publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu